A Heinz Field Breakup

We’re once again honored to have such a great group of people coming to our shows. We’ve been on the road a lot, lately, and we’ve seen a lot of people who could use a good laugh about family law and the wild and weird people we call family. 

This week, we’re focusing on marriage and on the dangers of getting a little bit. . .competitive. 

A voice rings out over the stage as the lights come up: “And that one is heading right out of the playing field, folks! Heading right up and over the outfield, it’s going, going . . .”

A couple stands up, both reaching for it, and the ball thunks down in the woman’s mitt. There are cheers and shouts as the commentator mentions the great catch. The man frowns, sitting down quickly. 

“Look, honey!” She waves the ball in his face. “I got it! You think he’ll sign it?”

“I don’t know, ‘probably charge you for it.”

“Oh, don’t be a grumpy Gus. Maybe next time, you’ll catch it.” 

He rolls his eyes, “Yeah, ha ha, I’m sure—” 

“And there goes another one, folks, coming in hot!” 

The two stand up again. This time, the ball bounces off the mitt of a nearby spectator, then into the woman’s mitt.

“Aha! Two for two!” 

The man huffs, “Janice, that’s cheating.”

“I don’t know why you’re so grouchy. You didn’t even play baseball.” She preens, proud of herself. “Besides, that’s just luck, Babe. . .and you’re lucky to have me.” 

“Janice, you didn’t either, so don’t even start that with me.” He stands up, arms straight at his sides. “You know, you just have to do this every time.” 

“And, what is that supposed to mean?” 

From behind them, someone shouts, “Hey, down in front—” 

“Mind your own business!” they snap, then turn back toward one another. 

“Look, I can’t help that you’re a spoil sport.”

“And, I can’t help that you brag and strut around like you’re some pro! You’re just out here in the stands like the rest of us.” 

The bat cracks against a ball once more, and the two turn. 

“Would you look at that, folks! Another one, heading straight for the stands!” 

“Oh, I got it, I got it!” Janice stretches out for the third one—until her husband puts his mitt over her and catches it. She gasps. 

“That’s not fair!” 

“You have two, so I don’t know what’s so unfair about it.” He grins, turning the baseball in his hand. “Hey, you think they’ll sign this?”

“That’s it! You are so petty, and rude, and I won’t stand for it anymore!” She steps up to him, poking his chest with one finger, “You just can’t deal with the fact that a woman is better at catching baseballs than you.” 

“That’s ridiculous. I want a divorce.” 

“Fine! Hey, any divorce attorneys in the stands? Anyone know anything about getting a divorce in Pennsylvania?” She turns this way and that as people groan and roll their eyes, as though they’ve seen this play out before. The hot dog vendor stops.

“Hey, don’t look at me, lady. I know way more about slinging hot dogs in the stands. How about this, though, you toss in an extra two dollars for a hot dog, I’ll throw in a second free, for your husband.” 

“But, hot dogs are two dollars.” 

“I’ll throw in some mustard, too, just for you.”

She gives him and hands him the money for the hot dogs. The two sit in silence with their dogs for a moment. 

“Well, that’s a pretty good hot dog.” 

“Yeah. Hey, you wanna do this next weekend?” 

“See you there, and bring your mitt.” 

Sometimes, love finds a way through even the tensest of situations. If you’re ready for more oddballs catching foul balls and other fun characters, check out our other showings and whether we’ll be in your area soon.

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