Dealing with Past Marriages
The vast majority of marriages in the U.S. are between people who have been in previous relationships, many of them long-term. No matter how a past marriage or extended relationship ended, or how you might feel with your current partner, it is virtually impossible to erase the memories of this significant period of someone’s life.
As divorces have steadily increased over the past few decades, so have the number of second- or third-time marriages, and with them, the emotional complexities of building a new life. Feelings of guilt and regret regarding past relationships or family ties can underlie even the happiest of marriages. You or your partner might experience anxiety about “what could have been” or how your decisions have affected others (for example, children from a previous marriage) even years into your new relationship.
What You Can Do
It is important to recognize that, as personal and intensely felt as these thoughts may be, you or your loved one is not alone in experiencing them, and refusing to openly acknowledge and discuss the problem will only make things worse. Two basic steps you can take to help ease the conflict produced by such deep reflections are:
Discussing the past with your current partner – It is true that talking about the past can bring up some extremely painful memories. However, this fact too often prevents us from the open trust and communication upon which any sound relationship is built. While sharing your habitual guilt or longing is bound to be painful to your current partner as well, hiding how you feel about a past relationship is a surefire way to cause problems later on in your current one.
Establishing positive communication with your former spouse – this one can be especially tricky, as it is virtually guaranteed to bring up some very strong emotions on all sides. Knowing when and how to talk to your ex is an art. First of all, enough time should have passed for both people to begin moving on in whatever form that may take. It also calls for a fine balance between restraint and candidness, but in the end, these discussions can bring a degree of closure that might have been preventing the current relationship from progressing healthily.
Both of these decisions can be very difficult ones to make. They call for a massive amount of trust on the part of the current partner, and may very well test your relationship to the breaking point. However, if you or your loved one is in chronic emotional distress, chances are he or she can not be distracted out of it, and, as with most things, the way to meet the problem is head-on and with courage.
Contact Us
If you or someone you know is considering divorce, contact the San Jose divorce lawyers at the Law Office of Daniel Jensen, P.C. at 408-296-4100.
